Jagaswami pulls out trump card

The scene was heart-rending. People were leaving town carrying with them all they had due to the lice epidemic. Those who wished to stay back and surrender the future to Arunachala were being separated from those of weaker faith. It was, some might say, a test of faith.

Exodus during lice plague

Families were huddled together, trying to comfort one another in this moment of distress.

Distraught populace comforting each other

Our normally chirpy cub reporter had tears in his eyes seeing the suffering of others.



And then suddenly a voice boomed out of the wails and cries of separation.

Lissenup all ye people. Give ear, all ye inhabitants of the world. I can save you from this scourge. Only I can.

Jagaswami (aka Jags) begins his historic Tiruvannamalai Address

There was a hush in the crowd. People looked to see where the voice was coming from.

However (pausing for effect) ... I need you to have complete faith in me.
After a longish pause (as is the style with indian politicians) he continued:

You all must accept me to be God, the final and ultimate. Not a messenger, not a messiah, but God Himself.

One lickle voice was heard saying, "Mum, whats a messaayaa?". "Shhh!" other voices nearby quietened the child.

I ask you for nothing. I want nothing from you.
But of course if you want my grace in plenty, and you want to be liberated from lice, then you must hand over all you have to me, or my able sidek .. er .. assistants, next to me.

Immediately, two other cunning looking sadhus appeared, as if from nowhere.

Lieutenant (or sidekick?) Krackiswami

This money of coas is only for the upliftment of the poor. (His eyes at this point looked down, unable to make contact with the people).

And i must ask one more thing. (again a long pause to create suspense). A small thing which I am sure you will be only too happy to hand over.

I am told by many that there are some troublesome people on the hill who have been exploiting all of you.

Everyone had a puzzled look on their faces.

Ye all know who i speak of.

Everyone looked at one another with blank faces.

I ask you to hand over the three lion cubs, and Spotty and Stripes and Mother Lioness. The condition of coas is that they leave the hill forever, for your good.

The crowd was speechless.

A lickle voice was heard saying "They want Aunt Lioness to go? But they are the nicest people here."

Voices of protest were heard.

This is for your own good. Otherwise you can all perish from this scourge, go bald, spend your entire lives scratching yourself, or whatever.

Jagaswami starts cursing the people of the town

Leaving here will not help, the scourge will spread and all living beings will be affected. Lice will take over the earth !

The lice have come from Mars to take over the earth!

Now lissen up ye people. It seems you do not know what is for your own good. This is becos the lice are controlling your mind. Let me decide for you. Let me set up a government. I shall be your ruler. You must bring more and more land under me, and wealth, and followers, till I am the ruler of the whole earth.

The more you bring, the more grace you will get. All this I do only because I love you (saying this he wiped his dry eyes a bit).

The crowd was silent. A tiny voice was heard saying "Mother, Who is this nutcase?"

Who is this comedian and where has he escaped from?

She was heard replying "Shh son, he says he is God and will save us".
"Who will save us from him?" the little voice asked.
"SSSHHH" she replied, swatting him lightly.

Dunno genius boy, but he sortanly needs to lock hisself up fast before he horts hisself

OK, I shall show you a miracle. (Everyone perked up at this).
I want one volunteer. (Immediately someone from behind him, looking just like balanandaswami, praps his bwuther, stood up).

I shall free him of lice! (there was excitement in the crowd).

Now i shall bless him. Abracadabra! Squiggly wiggly! Licey Vicey!

Volunteer magically cured!

The volunteer shouted "I am cured! I am cured! It's a miracle." and he knelt down at Jagaswami's feet weeping profusely.

See I told you. Now you must hand over the lion family and the tiger family who live on the hill.

A lickle voice in the back was heard "If he says he is God, why can't he take them hisself. Why does he need us?"

I give you 24 hours to hand them over. Also you must hand over all your belongings to us within the next few days. That is if you wish to be saved by me. I now have more pressing things to attend to. As you leave, you may hand over whatever you came with to Balanandaswami and Krackaswami. Those who wish to serve me, can also leave your names with them. You will have to sign some waivers also.

Suddenly a hand was raised. "My Lord! My Lord! I have a qweschun!"

There was pin-drop silence in the crowd. "What is it, brainless creature ?"

"Sir, recently I saw a young dark brahmin on the hill. A very peaceful looking boy. He was sitting with eyes closed. ... On impulse, we did namaskaaram to the boy. And we were immediately cured of lice and other problems too!"

"Oh him. that little boy, he is one of my devotees. If you do namaskaram to him, it is like doing namaskaram to me. It is my grace that you got through him. Feel free to do namaskaram to him, but remember to send ME your money as dakshina."

See, he gave all he had to me, and now how peaceful he is!

Suddenly another voice was heard "That is our Brahman Swamy he speaks of. No follower of this man."
And another "Yes. He is insulting the young Swami on the hill. How dare he!"
"He is an impostor!"

A commotion resulted. Bala and Krackiswami suddenly were not to be seen. Jagaswami was all alone, in the middle of a crowd getting unruly and angry by the moment.

Then suddenly he shouted. If you don't follow me I will curse you all. Right now.

Again there was silence. I will curse you with ticks and slugs, and leeches, and e-coli and avian bird flu and lots more.

"Curse us. lets see!"

"I really will, don't dare me."

"We dare you."

"OK here goes .... Abracadabra! Jiggery Pokery!"

Nothing happened.

Jagaswami (aka Jags) cursing

He shouted "Sluggy Wuggy!". Still nothing. "Leechy weechy!"

There was a giggle, then laughter rent the air. Luckily there were no rotten eggs and tomotoes nearby otherwise things could have gotten messy.

Jagaswami, with tail between legs, scrambled away as fast as he could. He shouted "Wormy Germy!", "Watery Poo" and other curses as he receded into the distance.

It is hoped that we shall not see them for a while.

This is cub reporter signing off. Same blog, same time, tomorrow.