A new makeover!

Swami Sri Sri AvadhootaJagadSageAnanda, arise. The world sings your praises!

Flora, the goat, came in to the mansion. She woke up Swami K with a rough shake.
Swami IDontCareAHootAnanda! Swami ! You are in the papers! she said excitedly. You have hit big time. Now we will get thousands of devotees, and donations, and we can build that big golden temple for you. And I can be an acharya or leader!

Swami K rubbed his eyes. It took him a while to be able to read what was written. He rolled the paper tightly and gave Flora a smack on her hind legs.
The newspaper had written all about the digging and felling work at Arunachala Hill, and how the animals were homeless, all thanks to a godman named Swami K.
They have ruined me, he shouted.
Swami, Swami, said Flora trying to calm him down. There is a way out!
This all must be the doing of that Balanandaswami who deserted me. Or maybe those cubs and Spotty. I shall give them no grace whatever!
Swami, Swami With your boundless grace, I have thought of a way out. With your permission may I speak?
He smacked her again. Don't waste my time. Quick, out with it!
Lord, You could change your name. That way we can start afresh.
Yes, what a brilliant idea, but what name ?
Praps instead of Bhagavan Krackaswami we could call you ... er. ... Swami KrackedBhagavan ?
Swami K again smacked Flora with the newspaper. She went howling into the corner.

Get My team here!, shouted Swami K.
Flora went uptays. The first room housed what was informally known as the Inner Circle. They slept on the floor and lived on grass and water as part of their penance. This is how Swami K lives, they told everyone, extremely frugally.

The secret inner circle at Swami K's poses for a photo

She summoned the Inner Circle. They came down yawning. They had been up since 4 am chanting Swami K's name, in order to improve the cosmic consciousness.

How many rounds of 108 chants of My Name have you completed ? he thundered.
Today I am going to change My Holy Name!
Some expressed shock, since chanting His Name had become second nature to them. Others secretly were happy, because they were going nutty repeating 'Krackaswami' in their minds day and night.

You have several tasks, he bellowed.

1. You must ensure that when people google for "Sri Bhagavan", I should come first. I do not want You-Know-Who to come first. Do what you have to, bribe Google, fill the internet with blogs and websites about Me, but I should come first, NOT the young swami on the hill.

2. You must speed up work on our meditation courses. I hope you have finished studying Zen, the various Masters I told you about, Mahayana Buddhism, Yoga, the Upanishads and Sufi whirling. All this must be combined into our meditation courses, and made to look original.

3. You must build up arguments to run down all other spiritual gurus and masters. Especially the popular ones. I must be positioned as the first, last and only spiritual master.

4. I am henceforth to be called "Param Pujya, Parameshwar Paramananda Paramguru ji" by all. All promotional material will carry this name. Chanting this name will bring you even greater merit.

Some western followers had a problem understanding the name. It was important to indulge them, because western followers (west european, and American mainly) brought in the most money.

Western devotees trying to digest Swami's new name

Flora translated it for them. "Param" pronounced as "purum" means ultimate. "poojya" is venerable, or worthy of puja. ParamAnanda is the ultimate bliss, and paramguru is the highest guru.

The Biography Team live spartan lives

5. I also want a daily report from the Biography Team. My entire life must be shown to be a string of unending miracles from the day I was born. All references to My being a disciple of Jags should be erased. We will show him as My servant who went nutty with age.
My birth must be shown as very very special, with shooting stars and rainbows and lesser Gods showering flowers. I must be shown to be enlightened from birth.
Use your imagination and creativity!

A SHORT WHILE LATER, the cubs had just returned from giving lunch to Annamalai Swami when Aruna-cub heard a little rustling outside. Omcub ran out to see what it was. He was surprised to see Flora gluing a poster to the wall of Stripes' cave. He looked back and found that a similar poster had been stuck over their "The Lionses" sign!

"What are you doing here, Flora?" asked Om sternly.
"I am not Flora any longer. Swami TwoHootsAnanda has now given me a spiritual name, GraceAnanda! And it's none of your business."

Om read the poster slowly. He could only make out the word "Easy", and "Swami". The other words were new to him. He slipped in and called Arunacub. Aruna was able to read a little more. Its "Easy Enlightenment" he said. "In three days". But i cant read the swami's name. It's very long and complicated. Let's call Tirucub, he knows Sanskrit, suggested Om.
Tiru squinted at the poster, turned it over and looked at it from every angle. Its sortanly not a Sanskrit word i know, he confessed. But otherwise he said, it says that we can be enlightened in three days if we attend this meditation course and give huge donations.
Mum Lioness was called. She looked at the poster. What is the name, they all asked impatiently.

Mum Lioness let out a laugh like she had never done in a long time. Even Stripes came running out, concerned, along with several others who had been giving him a massage. He too had a look at the poster and burst into fits of laughter. Every time they would try to tell the cubs the name, a fresh round of laughter would start and they would clutch their sides.

Finally, after a lot of time had elapsed, and after umpteen failed attempts, (the cubs were getting cross!) Mum Lioness managed to get the name out completely in one go.
She said, "His new name is now Swami MiracleAnanda!"

Cubs relate their experience at the mansion

They had just finished dinner. It had been two tough days in a row. "Allow me to wash the dishes" offered Stripes.
He then put the dishes and cooking pots in a row and licked each one clean and spotless. Tiru did an inspection by sniffing each one for food traces. All was okay. The dishes were ready for tomorrow's breakfast!

The monkeys then began telling everyone how Bhagavan had been kind with them. Stories of Hobbler did the rounds. The little deer told everyone stories of Valli, a deer Sri Bhagavan had looked after. Junior (Rhino) recounted the incident of the rhinos from Africa, he had read on some blog.

Once again the cubs tried to tell their mother and Unca Stripes what had happened when Flora the little goat had lured them into the mansion where Krackaswami (Krax) was staking out. All the animals became silent.



"So we all ran in behind Spotty"
"It was ommst as though we were pulled in by some strange force" added Om.
"Uncle Krax was ackshlly quite nice with us. He asked us to sit on a couch. We sat. He requested us to listen to him for a while.
He asplained that what he really had in mind was this global enlightenment thing. "

"He is also in on the global enlightenment bandwagon?" asked Stripes with some sarcasm.

What is this global electrification business. Sounds good!

"Krax asplained that he needed funds to build a temple of gold which would have his statue and his energy in it, and it would help enlightenment to spread.
"And his golden throne also", interjected Om.

Listen up cub brudders. We're hitting big time!

As more and more people come to him and accept him as the Lord, their state will deepen and this temple will be able to spread enlightenment faster.
"It sure sounded like a lot of hogwash to me!" commented Arunacub.
"But could be convincing for many people --" countered Tiru.
"Like Flora" said Omcub.
"He then began quoting figures to us, of how many people are benefitting from his grace, and how fast his movement if growing.
"Finally he said, now here is what i need from you all. In order to help humanity, in order to liberate everyone from suffering, i need some help from you."

"We sorta looked at him wide-eyed wondering what help could we cubses possibly give." said Om.
"Like if he asked Unca Stripes for help, or Mum Lioness, we could understand, but US!!" said Spotty.

He said You cubs have sortan siddhis which have come to you by mistake. You need to share them with me, and promise not to use them ever again. As the Lord of the Universe, it is my wish that only I use them.
However, if you decide not to, then global enlightenment will be stalled by about, lets see ... two million years. It all depends on you cubs.

And so we sat there a few moments wondering what to say. For some reason we knew we could not just run out. We had no idea we could even change our shapes or do anything in there. it was awfully suffocating. It was like being controlled.

Then Krax said, take your time ... think it over, tell me when you are ready. And he took us up to the room where he locked us in.

By Golly! The enlightenment of the world depends on us four lickle cubses!

"He told Flora to lock us in with Uncle Jags first. Then he said, NO, we'll put them in elsewhere where no one can find them!", added Arunacub.
He told Flora to take off Arunacub's turban before locking us, so we could not do anything smart while locked up, added Om cub.
Mebbe he wanted to put some charm on the turban, suggested Spotty.

Unca Hobbler: where is this sound coming from?

"Then we saw Uncle Hobbler outside!" said Tiru suddenly.
"Oh yes!" the cubs shouted.
And then they all began to narrate how they were shouting out hoping someone would hear them and they saw Uncle Hobbler outside on the trees. He was cocking his ear as though he could hear something in a distance. But he kept looking around and he could not see us, it seems.

Something funny is going on here! I must go for help.

Flora must have been below our window. We heard her saying that we could be heard outside. Krax replied that with his jinx no one else could hear or see us.

But then they came in, and took us to another room from where there were only some tiny ventilators, no windows. Mebbe facing the back of the mansion.

"One strange thing was .." started Om cub (this got everyone's attention) " ... that while we were there, we were unable to think of Sri Bhagavan. Only much later we suddenly heard Unca Stripes and you shouting out 'Bhagavan' and 'Ramana', that we remembered, and then we again called out to you. We were chanting His name till you came and got us."
"It was like there was a curtain around the mind." said Spotty.
Tiru: "I felt like something was controlling me"
Aruna: "Something dark"
Tiru: "Yeah, dark."

Suddenly they heard a snore. They looked aside to see Unca Stripes falling asleep. The cubs ran around him and took their position around his neck, on his back, on his shoulder...

Tomorrow would be another day, another adventure, another gift from Bhagavan Ramana.

Searching for the missing cubs - III

Continued from this post.

Tiger Stripes tried the door. It opened ...

Krackaswami was sitting on what looked like a throne! He looked up shocked. "How did you get in? I had jinxed the door!"

You must leave! Global enlightenment is at stake!

A group of people sat around the living room with eyes closed.

Deeksha in progress. Some participants are on the cusp of enlightenment

"You must leave immediately. I have a deeksha going on. I am enlightening these devotees. You are not worthy of being here."

"Where are the cubs?" Mum Lioness demanded.
"Security!" shouted Krackaswami, without looking at them.
Flora, the little goat came running in. "You called, Lord?"
"Throw them out!" ordered Krax.

Lord, you called for Security?

They ran about searching various rooms but found nothing. Hobbler came in and began gesturing to them. They followed him to a room. It was the attic!
The cubses locked in that attic! Mum Lioness launched herself against the door but it would not budge.
She heard muffled sounds and some kicking from inside.
Stripes also tried to break down the door. "Bhagavan, please help us!" he prayed. Suddenly the lock broke. He burst in.

It was dark. He heard grunting coming from one corner. As his eyes adjusted he saw gagged and tied, a big gorilla -- Jagaswami! And next to him was Arunacub's turban!

Stripes untied Jagaswami. "Have you seen our cubs?", he asked.
Jagaswami did not reply. He was furious, wanting revenge!
Mum Lioness picked up the turban and dusted it lovingly. Jagaswami's eyes fell upon the turban. Jags immediately clutched his chest! It hurt. He felt the pain of Mum Lioness without her cubs.

Jagaswami reflecting on his life while behind bars

"Oh Lord!" he moaned. Then he turned to them and said, "I am only helping you to reduce this pain. Don't think i really care for any of you."
"Oh sure, Perish the thought." replied Mum Lioness.
Holding his chest Jags stumbled out of the attic.

Jagaswami down in the dumps

They heard loud voices from below. Krax was shouting at the devotees to return the next day for the deeksha. "We are postponing our session. This unfortunate incident has happened since you are not worthy of my grace. Your gratitude is not enough, your gifts are measly..."

Deeksha participants get up to leave, Global enlightenment averted!

Then Krax came running towards them. "You won't be able to find them", he said. "This whole place is protected with my dark magic."
"Dark Magic, my foot" said Jagaswami exploding with anger. He took the turban from Mum Lionesses hands and put it on.
"Lord Arunachala, please help!" he called out.
Suddenly, they could hear the cubses again. "We are here, Mum, Unca Stripes!"
"You broke my jinx!", shouted Krax, his face crimson with rage.
He tried hard to re-charm the mansion, but amid the shouts of Arunachala and Ramana he was powerless.
Jags led them up the stairs and stopped at a landing, and knocked on the wall. They heard a door cracking open, and four cubses burst out. They had not even seen this door earlier!

"Are you okay, cubs! You must be starved!" enquired Mum.
"Mum, Uncle Annamalai's lunch?", said one little voice urgently.
"Uncle must be starved!", said another.
"No no, we took care of that before coming", replied Mum.
"Thank God! We were so worried about his lunch."
"You mean to tell me you little chaps were sitting in there, cub-napped, and all you were worried about was Uncle Annamalai swami's lunch!" Stripes slapped his own forehead in disbelief.
Jagaswami took off the turban and put it on Arunacub carefully and said "I really don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be here at Arunachala either. I should just go rot someplace else."
"Oh, don't go away like that!" said Om-cub feeling sad for Jags.
"Before you go anywhere, do have one darshan of Bhagavan.", pleaded Arunacub.
"Yes. I should beg him to forgive me, and then leave!", Jags declared.

"Why don't we all go to the ashram!" suggested Mum Lioness. They brushed past Krax (whose ears were smoking), and Flora who was scrubbing the deeksha room.
"Bye, Fauna" called out Stripes (on purpose).
"Fiona is my sister, I am Flora!", she replied angrily.

Stripes was famished by now (what with the running they had to do). As they reached about a mile from the ashram, Stripes' nose picked up some prasad aroma. His pace increased.
They all trooped into the ashram and prostrated to Bhagavan. By some strange coincidence, the first person to be offered prasad was Stripes. He quietly pawed about three helpings.

Bhagavan was asking the little three year old child, "Has little Bo Peep found her sheep?". The child nodded her head vigorously and sat beaming in her mother's lap.

Jagaswami sat quietly in a corner his head bent and eyes looking down. Later when they got up, they noticed he had already left. Maybe he has found his peace.

Jagaswami repents at darshan

Searching for the missing cubs - II

Mum Lioness misses cubs

Poor Mum Lioness!
She was so used to having one cub biting her tail, or waging an imaginary battle with it, another chewing upon her ear, and one (thankfully!) rubbing her back. And now she was cubless!

And how were the cubs? They would be hungry, or thirsty. Deep down she knew that they would be safe, with Bhagavan as the Lord of all there is, and with His will being the destiny of all. But yet a mother's worry gnawed at her.

Meditator Tiger Stripes was (as expected) rolling on the floor in the most pitiable state. She kept telling him to have faith in Ramana, and each time she said that, it made her feel better.

They had walked around quite a bit. The cubs weren't at Uncle Annamalai Swami's nor at the mansion. C'mon Stripes, she said, let's go to Bhagavan. They both sprang up and walked down as fast as they could to the ashram (knees trembling a bit).

They sat quietly, there were many many visitors. They got a place in the rear. They prayed to Bhagavan for help. Some time later a devotee asked Bhagavan something about God removing or erasing a person's karmas. (Stripes' tamil is weak, but he catches words here and there.) Bhagavan replied with a glance at them, "If your belief in God is strong enough, then He can erase your karmas".
Mum Lioness thought, oh Lord, my belief in you has not been strong enough. Forgive me.

Then a three year child read Bhagavan a nursery rhyme about Little Bo Peep losing her sheep. One lady devotee next to Bhagavan picked up the child and answered, "If Bo Peep's belief in Bhagavan is strong, He will be able to help her in finding her sheep". The little child seemed satisfied and ran off to play outside.

Bhagavan again gave a glance in their direction, Mum Lioness and Stripes looked at one another. They prostrated to Bhagavan and left.

Outside the hall, Stripes spotted one ashram dog he often fed cocunut biscuits to. The dog wagged its tail. Stripes was not interested in games at the moment. "Later" he told the dog.

The dog was walking ahead and looking back at them and barking.
"Maybe Barky is trying to tell us something", said Mum Lioness to Stripes.
"Yeah, like: Take me for a walk!" quipped Stripes.

"Let's follow him!" said Mum Lioness to Stripes. They silently walked behind him. He walked without distraction taking a tiny path away from the hill.

"Hey, this way leads to the waterfall", said Stripes, "Yes, we never thought of that!"
After a while Stripes and Mum Lioness started quickening their steps. Barky was unable to keep pace and was panting. They could not slow down and began taking long leaps as they galloped down the path. Soon they had left Barky way behind.

They ran for about five, maybe ten minutes. At this point, the path forked into two. Stripes thought for a moment and then decided that the right fork would lead to the waterfall. They had never tried the left one. Probably a dead end. They ran on taking the right path.

Woof! Woof!

Suddenly at a bend, they heard barking. The same dog, Barky, was standing there blocking the path, barking viciously. Stripes backed out. What was wrong? Why is he stopping us, and how did he reach here?

Barky inched forward barking. They were forced to back out.
"Maybe he doesn't want us to take this route. Praps we should have taken the left path", Mum reasoned.
They turned and walked back to the fork.

As they reached the fork, they picked up the scent of Barky. Within a minute he reached the fork panting and wheezing from the ashram path. Then who was that dog who stopped them way ahead, they wondered?

Barky comes huffing and puffing

They ambled along taking the left path this time. After a few minutes Barky stopped. He looked confused. He looked here and there. There were some paths leading into bushes, perhaps not used for a long time.
"Why not just continue on the main path?" asked Stripes, a little impatiently. Then Barky starting barking.

Some monkey business goin on up there

They heard a rustle of leaves and looked around. A berry fell on Stripes head. He looked up annoyed. Hanging on a branch was Hobbler, the monkey. Hobbler smiled. Then he began pointing his finger in one direction.
"We must follow him.", said Stripes understanding finally that the animals were helping out.
They looked down. Barky was returning slowly on the path they came on.
"Thanks a lot, Barky!" they called out with gratitude.

Hobbler was shaking a branch and gesturing with urgency. He began moving from tree to tree. Stripes and Aunt Lioness followed him as best as they could. It was a thorny route, unused and full of small pebbles.


They shouted Ouch and Aah as they jogged through the route. At one point Hobbler stopped, again pointing ahead.

They broke through some bushes. Surprisingly, they had reached one side of the mansion.
"For God's sake!" exclaimed Stripes "We are not interested in the troublesome sadhus today. We have other matters!"
Mum Lioness began walking carefully around the mansion keeping herself hidden in the bushes. They were downwind so no one could detect them.

As they came around to the front she spotted Flora, the goat, cleaning up the front garbage. She looked at Med Tiger and nodded her head slowly.
Stripes said, "Something smells fishy, although I don't know how fish smell!"
Mum Lioness walked up quietly upto the little goat.
"Hello there", said Mum very softly.
The goat was startled. "Oh hello, I am surprised to see you here. Er .. you should not be here."
"So am I surprised to see you." said Mum Lioness, "I thought you were on your way home."
"Oh yes. The cubs left me home. Then I came here to so some cleaning up." She looked visibly nervous.
Mum Lioness proceeded towards the door. Flora immediately tried stopping her, "You must not go in"
"And why not?"
The goat tried blocking the door.
"Only devotees of swami may enter!"
"Oooooh!" said Stripes, "So you are a devotee! Very nice!"
"Would you mind stepping aside, Fawna."
"I'm Flora, not fauna."
"Flora, Fauna whatever, I don't care, please let us enter", replied Mum Lioness with impatience.
She tried the door. It would not budge.
They were unable to detect the smell of the cubses or Spotty.
Stripes thought he would turn into a sparrow and check out the windows. He tried saying Om three times but could not complete even one. He could not understand what was happening. His mind was stuck. He tried praying for help but he could not complete his prayer.

"Do you know where the cubs are?"
"I don't", replied the goat.
"Where exactly is your house, Flora ?"
"That way" she pointed.
"The way to the ashram?"
"No, that way." she pointed in another direction.
"Perhaps we should call the police here", suggested Stripes.
"No No, you must not," pleaded the goat "They must not disturb Bhagavan!"
"Who?"
"Bhagavan Krackaswami."
The word "Bhagavan" was the word both Mum Lioness and Stripes were trying to remember but were getting stuck at.
"BHAGAVAN!" both shouted with triumph, "RAMANA!!!"
"No, please don't take his name here!"
They again shouted Bhagavan loudly.
Suddenly they could here voices. The cubs. They could smell the cubses, too.
Stripes went and tried the door. It opened!

To be continued. See this post.

Little Goat attempts Spotty-napping

The little goat went all over the forest looking for Spotty. It was a frightening ordeal, often it heard the roar of lions in the distance, or the trumpeting of elefinks. And what if it came across some lion or tiger? What if that leopard named Spotty ate it up, it thought?

By afternoon it was hungry and tired, and lay azhausted under a tree. Just then three little cubs running about the forest spotted it. "Hey, a little goat. It seems tired and lost", one said.

They came up and sniffed the goat. One licked its face, another its ears. "Wake up, little goatee!" they said. "Are you okay?"
The goat woke up surprised to find these 3 cubs around it. "Don't be afraid !" said one.
"I am hungry and tired", said the goat bursting into tears.

The three led the goat home. Their mother began to feed the goat some berries and milk. Then she said, "Tiru-cub, go and call Spotty! The four of you can cheer up our little friend for a while"

"Spotty!" the goat thought. "I don't even need to go looking for Spotty, he is being delivered to me. How great is the grace of Krax, I did seva for Krax and I am getting his grace!"

In a minute, Tirucub came bouncing in with a little leopard cub. So this is what my great guru Krax wants. "Let's play!" shouted Tiru.
"No wait!" said the goat. "I must go home, can one of you escort me home, please?"
"We will all come with you" shouted the cubs.
"No no, just one will do, please"
"We go together", said Om cub firmly.
"All four of us", added Aruna cub.

Come with me to my great Master

And so they began walking along with the goat. After walking a bit, they began to feel a bit odd. "This route goes towards the mansion. But surely it will veer off at some point", Om thought.
"Are you sure this is the way to your home?", asked Arunacub.
"Yes".

So now, they thought, maybe its house is quite near the mansion.

JAGASWAMI, was swinging on the branches outside the mansion, eating fruit and berries. Aah, this vegetarian diet sure feels better than the earlier diet he was on. No constipation, for one. And he felt leaner and lighter. As he was chomping upon some berries, he heard some shrill voices.
"Are you sure this is the creck way?" one asked.
He looked carefully through the leaves. He could see some cubs and a goat. Oh my! THE cubs. And there was Spotty, too.

He leapt into the house, startling Krax, and whispered, "They are coming! Some goat and the cubs. Spotty is there, too!"

That sure was fast, Krax thought. "Ah yes, that was all my plan. That goat is a follower of ... mine ... and I asked him to bring Spotty here"
"Well done, Krackaswami! For once you have done well! But your job does not end here, you must realize -- I must get Spotty's siddhis. Once that is over, I can promote you to Paramacharya. And oh by the way. If you are thinking of collecting your own followers then I am afraid your ego is going out of control. I am the Lord here, you are only my slave, nothing more. That is, until I feel you are ripe to be enlightened."

"That is not quite how I see it, Jags. You are aging. Your powers are weakening."
It took Jags a while to swallow this sudden reversal of roles. His eyes looked like they could pop out of their sockets any moment.
"We need more followers, Jags. We need an order of monks, an inner circle, and then an outer circle, and then the rest."
"What do you mean by inner and outer circle, O Lord!", asked Jags laughing at Krax.
"The inner circle, you old fool, will consist of the rich and famous and clever who come to my feet. Only they will have access to me."
"Those who are not so endowed, but are devoted and faithful can be part of the outer circle. They will represent me to the followers.
Finally all the poor people, and those whom we can't fully trust, who must be kept at an arm's length, are the rest -- the ordinary devotees who bring us money and more followers."
"Aah, I see the light", replied Jags sarcastically.

"And, oh by the way" said Krax, imitating Jags, "I don't really see any place for you in my grand scheme. You can hang around here a while, for old times sake. We will throw some scraps your way to keep you alive. Then we can bury you somewhere far away from here hopefully, so i don't think of you too often. ..."
"But i suggest you make it a bit quick, your ... 'departure', don't linger too long! " added Krax very coldly and icily. "Or I might run out of patience."


"THIS is where I live", declared the goat, pointing at the mansion.
"Here?" exclaimed the four cubs in shock.

"DON'T stand there with your mouth open, old chap", said Krax to Jags. "Get the cubs in here fast. And don't let Spotty run away. Or I shall lock you in the attic for three days without food."

"YOU must not go there!" said Spotty to the goat.
"These are dangerous people." said Arunacub.
"Oh no, one of them is my guru. I heard his speech the other day. He is God, don't you know. He loves us all. Worship Him and He will shower you with grace."
"What grace has he showered YOU with?" asked Tiru-cub.
"Oh, I don't know where to start ... I could write entire books on the miracles of Bhagavan Kracked Swami"
"I don't mean to criticize your guru, or compare him," said Om-cub, "but you should meet the young Brahman Swami."
"Oh him? Did you not know? He is not realized. Sri Krackedswami says so. That's why he wears only a kaupinam and lives like a hermit. That is not the life our Bhagavan Krackedswami wants us to lead. He wants us to live a life of fun and wealth. That is true enlightenment, or what he calls Spiritual Materialism."

The cubs tried hard to suppress their laughter because they did not want to offend the little goat who seemed quite an innocent person.

"In any case, your Brahman swami is just a human being who sits quietly. Bhagavan Krackedswami is the living God. He is the creator of this universe who has now come to enlighten all beings. He says he will do so very shortly. By 2012, no wait, its 2018 now, or maybe 2036 since the last time we met. But pretty soon."
The cubs were speechless.
"And its really so simple," explained the goat. "All we have to do is donate all our wealth to them. Our karmas get burnt this way and we become enlightened. Now we can talk later, you must come in with me."
He clutched Spotty's paw rather tightly and pulled him to the door.

The three cubs immediately chanted Om thrice. But nothing happened! They tried again but were unable to even complete three Oms. The door opened and Jags came out. He pulled Spotty in and the cubs had to follow.
"Don't bother about trying your chants and spells, little cubses." said Krax "I have put a spell on this mansion, and its surrounding grounds. This place is protected by dark magic. Your spells will not work here. Your only hope is to teach me your spells. Then you can go back unharmed."

Addressing the little goat Krax said, "Now, Flora, after taking all the garbage lying outside the house to the dump, and cooking us some food, I want you to go around Tiruvannamalai telling everyone how much grace you are getting from me, and how many miracles you have had in your life, and of course, who I really am."
"Yes, Greatest Lord of All", said the goat.

"And take this necklace. Tell everyone that you prayed to me for a necklace, and the very next day an old friend gifted this to you."
"Yes, Lord KrackedSwami." said the goat admiring the necklace (which had been removed from the neck of a prostrating devotee the previous day). She prostrated three times and left the room. "And do report to me everyday about your progress", Krax called out after her.

Back at the mansion

An amazing stroke of luck befell Krackaswami, while Jags was out on the hill drumming up followers and amassing bananas and jewelry.

There was a knock on the door. Kracks almost did not bother anwering it, but curiosity got the better of him.

And there on the doorstep was a lone Russian.

"Yes?" said Kracks.



"I was ... er .... looking for my old friend Leicameister ... he said to drop by if I were ever in the area," said the Russian, bravely. "And here I am," he added, with a huge embarrassed grin. Everything in India had been a surprise to him ... it almost seemed natural that a large ox would open the door when he went looking for Volker, whom he had not seen for twenty years.

Kracks knew quite well, from searching through every drawer and shelf in the house, that Volker Leicameister was the owner of the mansion.

Ever quick to convert another's confusion into an opportunity for personal gain, Kracks said, "Do come in, esteemed sir."

"Oh, I guess Leicameister must have moved," said the Russian, glancing to each side and stepping gingerly. The streets of Tiruvannamalai had been shockingly soiled, but this was something else! And if there was one thing he knew about his old friend, it was that he would never have so much as a pencil out of place, let alone a rug covered with ... what was this? ... bones ... broken glass ... trampled on biscuits ... tipped over coffee mugs ... banana peels ... He hardly wanted to inspect too closely. Small things were crawling amidst the rotting food.

"Not exactly moved," said Kracks. "He has turned his life and home over to a higher purpose. Like the wisest on this planet, he desired Enlightenment. Unlike most, he has taken the necessary steps. He has submitted to my Grace-given, God-pleasing, karma-eating, vasana-dissolving program, and he is just a hair's breadth away from full and permanent Enlightenment.



"And ... the mess?" asked Dmitri, boldly.

"He was being held back from fully embracing God by an obsessive cleanliness. Part of his Liberation involves surrendering that compulsion ... and so I ask him to throw down a piece of rubbish each day. It is my infinite Love for All Creation and The Great Goddess Entropy which enables me to work with id... er, humans, in this sacrificial way. What pain my holy hoofs go through! But I will endure anything for the sake of this formerly God-forsaken realm."

"I see," said the Russian. Old Volker, almost enlightened! Could it be true? Well, why would an ox make up such a story? Back in university, Volker has always been just a little better than Dmitri at everything. Though Dmitri hated to admit it, it had driven him almost around the bend the way Volker had studied less but always scored a few points higher, skied on older equipment but always beat him down the slopes ... smiled less, but had more friends ... And now, Enlightenment! Well, just a hair's breadth away."

"You have always known, have you not, that your life was empty, pointless ... that something better beckoned, but you could not quite glimpse what it was?" asked Kracks, seeing a sudden faltering of confidence in the Russian.



"Well, yes." What was the harm in admitting this to an ox in a foreign country? "Where is Leicameister?" he dared to ask.

"Doing tapas," said Kracks succinctly, as if this explained all.

"Oh," said Dmitri, trying to memorize the word tapas so he could look it up later.

"I can see you wish to be Enlightened too ... I am seeing now ..." (The ox was staring into a point between Dmitri's eyebrows, then at a spot a few inches above his crown) "that you were my disciple in your last life ... yes ... Leicameister must work harder this time around, because he was not as devoted as you were in his last life ... he was lazier ... in your case, there is just one more thing for you to do ... you have perhaps forgotten all this, but I can see you acquired tremendous spiritual merit in your last life ... such as I have rarely seen! Let me just catch my breath, this is really startling what I see when I gaze into your past here ... yes, yes, just one more little task you were reborn to perform. Then, Enlightenment."



"Yes?"

"You must return to your country, and come back as soon as possible with enough participants to fill my next course. The cost is high ... but tell them the truth: their money blocks their spiritual progress, like a big pile of stinky garbage. I can purify that for them, in my infinite kindness, though it will cause my hoofs to crack and my horns to ache, taking on their karma like that ... but I will make the sacrifice, because I must. Ego-less, I have no say in these matters. Just bring them back here, on the double."

With that, he let out an ear-shattering bellow, which Dmitri took to mean he was dismissed to perform this duty.

Troublesome sadhus still not giving up!

Krackiswami (Krax) was noticing a big change in Jagaswami after Jagaswami (Jags) had worn Arunacub's magic turban. He wasn't sure what to make of it, but he felt he could use it to his own advantage.

There were moments when Jags behaved kindly and considerately. And then moments when he was back to his old, megalomaniac self. Was he faking the kind behavior ? If this kind behavior continued, worse still increased, Jags could become popular around the hill, and then it would be hard to turn the tables on Jags.

Jagaswami in his nicer moments

But another thought came to him that Jags was battling some internal demons. He was confused and struggling. He was fighting the kind behavior or mood, and unable to get the better of it at times.

This could be the right time to do something. I must strike while the iron is hot! Jags is losing it. I am very clear, Krax thought. I want nothing to do with kindness or compassion. I want to establish myself as God, and amass wealth and power. I must denounce Jags as a fake. I must denounce all others as not being realized. I must declare myself as the true saviour.

Krax imagines himself with many followers

But first I need some miracles. That's the only way these silly humans will be convinced. They have always pressured saints and sages to show miracles in order to prove their statement that God exists, or that they have found Him. I must be able to show some miracles, even if they be some cheap tricks. Or at least spread rumors of miracles.

Also to protect myself I must be inaccessible. Or accessible only through some very close disciples. So i need some gullible disciples. And that, he decided, was easy as pie.

But in all this, there was one problem. One really big problem. And that was the swami on the hill. He knew that the swami was genuinely a realized sage. I cannot, of course, admit that to others. I must denounce him, with all the others sages.

MEANWHILE Jagaswami (Jags) was walking around the hill drumming up followers.
"Listen up, all of you! There has been a drought this year, and the last, and the year before that."
People began to gather, They could not recognize him due to the changed form.
"Do you want good rains?" he asked them.
They all nodded.

I can give you good rains

Jagaswami had smeared vibhuti on his forehead, worn rudrakshas (beads) around his neck, a trishul (trident) in one hand, and was posing as a sadhu. And looked very convincing.

Jags looks like an authentic spiritual leader

"God has sent me to help you", he said very solemnly, as though he had more important things to do in some other world, but was doing God a great favour by coming here.

Jags sees himself as the greatest guru of all time

They all prostrated in front of him. Some offered bananas at this feet which he shovelled into his mouth as fast as they came.

He deftly picked a gold necklace off one lady's neck as she prostrated. "Thank you! Grace to you! ", he quickly said, giving the impression to all that she had offered it.
Others, not to be outdone, quickly took off bangles and earrings and offered them.


He cleared his throat loudly and continued, "This drought is caused by the coming of the young swami on the hill. He may look kind to you, and treat you well but that is all a front. I am the real saviour."

Some of the gathering got up. Of them some left quietly and the rest came in front and fell at his feet. They told him of all their sufferings and pleaded for help.

"Ok," he said, after enjoying the adulation. "Come for darshans to my mansion on the other side of the hill. You will get grace according to how much dakshina you bring."
Some nodded in fear.

Worship me and you will get grace

"Do bring some grass for my attendant also", he said.
"And oh yes, I need one of you to come regularly and clean my mansion. Immense grace will accrue to that chosen one. The one who comes with the finest gifts and most offerings will get that privilege."
So saying he got up and marched off.